I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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