Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
