He uses pillows to masturbate.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
