sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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