ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
