I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
