I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
