I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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