My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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