I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
