Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
