Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
