Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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