I feel like abortions should bother me more
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This house was built for laser tag.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
