I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
