please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
