I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
