TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
