dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
