im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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