Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
