On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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