i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
