I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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