I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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