She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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