some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
