He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Randomize
