Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
