im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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