i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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