remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
