and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize