rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
