the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize