I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
