I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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