I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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