I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
