Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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