piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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