I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
