I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
