We're like a lot better than the average bears
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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