when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I believe in your delicious
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
