I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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