he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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