Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
