Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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