you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
