You can't motorboat a personality
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
