So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize