matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
