if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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