why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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