I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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